Thursday, September 22, 2011


I'll admit, I haven't encountered a lot of "you're insane, it will never happen" attitudes as I make this journey. Mostly I've been met with "that's amazing!" "good luck!" and "wow"... which is all very nice and good. However, I think the biggest naysayer is the internal monologue. That little voice inside that will sometimes say "this is crazy, and it will never happen."

I have a playlist that tends to shut the little voice up... and here's what's on it:
Lady Gaga - Born This Way
India Arie - A Beautiful Day
Mary J Blige - Each Tear
Glee Cast - Loser Like Me
Pink - Fucking Perfect
Katy Perry - Firework
Wicked - Defying Gravity
Eminem - I'm not Afraid
Eminem - Lose Yourself

It grows as I learn about new things, but I'm happy I've found something that works for me. The message is a resounding "Screw the world, be you, and be the best you that you can. You got this." Although in my case it doesn't seem like the world that's against me, its mostly just me.

And on that note - off to study OChem. I promise a resounding post of how it's going soon, along with the agony and the ecstasy that is PCR...

Thursday, September 1, 2011

random stream of consciousness...

So lots of things are due. I haven't made a payment on the explorer since July, but I still intend to make payments on it, I just don't have any money to do so. I'm waiting on student loans so I can pay the mortgage. I'm leveraging how long I can make people wait until they shut things off. I write to an administrator last night about when, oh when, are my student loans going to credit? And she tells me I'm not signed up for enough credits to actually get any sort of aid. So I have to sign up for more credits to make the "aid cap" in order to get the money to keep paying my bills while I chase this crazy dream...

So when am I going to fit in two more credits? I have no idea. I am, actually, signed up for the EMT class, and I could take that through the college for credit, but it would cost $2544 in addition to the $125 that I already spent to take the class, but I need a permission number to sign up for the class. So I call the people to get the permission number, hoping that they will give me this little five digit number which will cost me $2500 but will end up giving me $6000 so that I can live for the next four months. I wonder how I'll handle a 6 credit load next semester too, since I've decided that I want to continue on and take the paramedic class since you can't actually work for the city unless you're a full blown medic... I sometimes wonder if I'm being too brash, too bold, too assumptive, in believing that I deserve this, that I have the right to actually follow this yearning, to chase this dream at all. Shouldn't I just grow up? Shouldn't I just graduate and get a job, and stop being so needy?

But then I think of all those days that come after this, and this is just a bump in the road, a little bureaucratic exercise meant to test my faith, my resolve, and my ability to continue on against circumstances beyond my control.